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For me as a woman in my fourth decade, I’ve long felt that courtesy is essential, which includes expressing regret when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a satisfying life, I’ve faced very poor self-esteem. This mix of aiming to be considerate and doubting myself has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Often, it happens so quickly that I’m barely noticing of it. It originates in anxiety and has influenced both my private and professional life. It frustrates my close ones and co-workers, and then I get upset when they bring it up—which only increases my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Asking Questions

This over-apologizing is especially problematic when it comes to addressing a group or posing queries in front of people. I try to write everything down to stay focused and avoid nervous rambling, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an starting scholar in political science, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through gradual exposure, such as instructing groups and pushing myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing embarrassments from senior male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this helps at first before I revert to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I doubt I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve made peace with that. I still enjoy life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to curb the constant apologizing. I’ve heard that therapy might support me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used wisely. Too infrequent or too much, and you place a burden on others.

Exploring the Causes

A counselor might explore where this urge comes from. Questions like, “How early were you when this developed?” or “Was it your own idea or adopted from someone close to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once helped us become harmful in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as self-defeating. You know it irritates those around you, yet you keep doing it.

Benefits of Counseling

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on staying present rather than striving. Much of helpful sessions is about self-reflection, not just fixing issues. A skilled therapist will supportively question you, offering a comfortable setting to consider and embrace who you are.

Instead of exposure therapy, a interpersonal focus with a humanist therapist might be more effective. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you treat, ignore, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your confidence can grow from there.

Useful Strategies

Changing long-standing behaviors is difficult, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by thinking on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to refrain. Often, it’s an try to avoid shame or vulnerability, by recognizing perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a cycle of annoyance and nervousness.

Even thinking things through can be useful. Try taking a breath before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel understood without you taking blame.

This process will take persistence, but recognizing there’s an issue is a important first step toward change.